The Martha Stewart Gene (male version)
By Regina Smoler

My girl is fried country crock
She robs gas station Quick Stops
In a tube top, shorts, an’ work boots
She’s a regular on Cops
I miss her so when she’s in jail it depresses me (that’s her officer, 3rd. from the right)
But I have a ball on conjugal calls when I hear her scream 
(EEE- come here you son of a gun… where’s my turkey pot pie)
She can wrestle a hog in mud
I ain’t talkin’ bout her mama
There’s blood hound in her blood
She could sniff out Osama
Her beard grows natural, she don’t wax dem hedges
She ain’t been to beauty school,
She don’t know what Pledge is
(But she graduated truck school)


CHORUS
Hell yeah, she bawdy
Her degree’s Mama Cum Laude
But I like my sugar raw and unrefined
Warm and dirty beats cold and clean
Don’t want a domestic queen
I’m glad she ain’t got
The Martha Stewart Gene
It’s a good thing…

I’m the king of our trailer
She feeds me like a god
Servin’ me burnt offerings I just
Pray it ain’t the dog
There’s daisies growin’ in the toilets she got from the dump
And her uncle is my brother-in-law, looks like Forest Gump
(They love chewin’ tobacci together)

CHORUS

(spoken)
It’s a good thing there’s no deep end in her gene pool.
I ain’t eatin’ what I can’t pronounce
Es-Car-What?  Spam and beans, that’s who I am.
No need to redecorate the trailer
Nuthin’ better than my skunk centerpiece, a wedding gift from the 
taxidermist, my beer cap Elvis figurines,
my  Dogs Playing Poker velvet picture hangin’ above mama’s autographed bible what she autographed it herself

Chorus
Here’s to imperfection
These girls ain’t paintin’ their house of corrections
Don’t need no high class broad messin’ up their cells
Warm and dirty beats cold and clean
Who wants a domestic queen?
I’m glad they ain’t got, 
They ain’t somethin’ that they’re not
I’m glad my baby ain’t got
 The Martha Stewart Gene
It’s a good thing!