Well, 2 AM, stumble home, wave the taxi goodbye 
Hair standin' up, arms hangin' down 
Bloodshot, tired eyes 
 
Tried hard not to wake you up, tippy-toed thru the door 
But your darn cat, I tripped on his tail 
And I crashed right to the floor 
 
Now here I am, head in the can, mouth is cotton dry 
The bathroom's spinnin', I ain't winnin' 
I'd have to get better to die 
 
Then you show up disgusted, sayin’, "Look what the cat drug in! 
You dirty bum, you filthy scum 
Have you been drinkin' again?"   
 
I took the fifth...of whiskey 
And the fifth done took me again
How'm I supposed to stay on track when I keep getting' calls from my friends?  
I guess I could give you some lame excuse like I fell asleep or got a flat tire 
But the fact is I spent the night with ole' Jim B 
And honey, I ain't no liar 
I took the fifth 
 
Well, 2 PM, workin' hard, need a break from the day 
Someone yells, "Let's grab a drink" 
And soon we're on our way 
 
At the bar, I shout out, "First round is on me!" 
And soon enough I fall off the stool 
And my head gets startin' to bleed 
 
Well how're you gonna 'splain that one, the boys all wanted to know 
Ah, I'll think of somethin' soon enough 
Maybe I hit the stove? 
 
Back at work to close the shift, boss meets me at the door 
Says, "You didn't hit the bar, did you?" 
I swear I won't lie anymore 
  
I took the fifth...of vodka 
And the fifth done took me again
How'm I supposed to stay on track when I keep getting' calls from my friends? 
I guess I could give you some lame excuse like I rescued from a burning fire 
But the fact is I spent the time with Mr. Smirnoff 
And man, I ain't no liar 
I took the fifth 
 
Well, another round of questions, another chance for lies 
As a baby I was bottle-fed, hah, there's no surprise 
If I could just get me some self-control, I'd be a much better man 
Cuz although I may drink like a fish, I still must take the stand 
 
And take the fifth...of tequila 
And the fifth will take me again
How'm I supposed to stay on track when I keep getting' calls from my friends? 
I guess I could give you some lame excuse like I was singing at church with the choir 
But the fact is I'll spent the time with Jose C 
And man, I ain't no liar 
I took the fifth