The Big Wanker Blues

I wish I weren’t endowed 
with such a massive bulge of sirloin
I just wanna be a normal guy
with an average manly groin
but, I’m fearful when I’m swimming
It’ll swim right out of my shorts
and then the pool will clear, somebody’ll yell shark
and I’ll wind up in the courts
defending myself from a world that doesn’t understand 
what it’s like to be such an oversized,
over-inflated, overblown, hard to fit man
I’d be large if I wasn’t so huge
I got the big wanker, chain yanker, monkey spanker
sperm banker, double hulled oil tanker
I got the big wanker blues

I don’t wanna be small
and for the big girl, just a tease
I just wanna be average, a man who loves to please
but, I’m dying, if I’m lying
It’s a summer sausage fully inflated
there isn’t a port that can handle this ship,
 none of this is exaggerated
and the brave women who’ve opened up,
have recoiled again in fear
it’s my cross to bare, the monkey on my back,
this Godzilla without peer
I’d be genuinely monstrous, if I wasn’t so colossal
I got the big wanker, number one ranker,
turmoil and rancor, ultimate spanker,
gold-studded, rock solid, international banker,
I got the big wanker blues

I got the big wanker blues
I’m the ultimate ride
but, the ladies live in fear of such a massive, raging tool,
they run and hide
the stallions stand restlessly
and then they shrink back in disgrace,
the mares’ lift their tails and their eyes get wide
but, I won’t go near that place
my member’s a major monster,
it’s a whopper, unsurpassed
it’s a Rambo rod, a powerful pole,
mistaken at the beach for a clipper’s mighty mast
I’d be giant, if I wasn’t titanic
I got the big wanker, mind blanker
walk the plank or spank and thank her,
beyond imagination, science fiction, reality yanker
I got the big wanker blues